My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
