Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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