god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
