I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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