I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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