I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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