Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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