Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's rum buckets o'clock
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
