It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
