I puked a lego.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
