Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize