The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
