i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
