If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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