my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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