just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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