why didn't you poke me back
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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