i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
