Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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