He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
