Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
