i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I didn't notice because vodka
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
