You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Drunk is not a location!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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