So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
