Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize