I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize