the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
