phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
