I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
