White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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