I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
