I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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