what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
