clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
