I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
