She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
