The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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