You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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