we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
