I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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