Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
