Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
