sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
