I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
