why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
