I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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