So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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