Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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