Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
