he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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