You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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