My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
