After last night, I could never be a politician.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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