you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
