oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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