Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
