ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
