There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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