i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
