Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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